lifestyle

God Knows I Tried

April 3, 2016

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We all know ‘blogging has changed.’ I know. I’m sorry.

I’m very aware I speak for a worryingly large number of the blogging community when I take to this blog and all I can make come out of my mouth in coherent sense as an explanation as to why it’s quiet is just ‘it’s changed.’ I don’t want to rehash that old vibe again today. It’s been said. It brings me deep sadness that a once thriving community has had it’s bones shaken at the core and a lot of the stories I once loved reading are no more to the point where you’re more likely to read a blog post about a blogger feeling disillusioned than excited. How is that the norm now? What happened to our little world?

Put on that Hotel California
Dance around like I’m insane
I feel free when I see no one
And nobody knows my name

I’m a bit late to the Lana Del Rey party, but i’ve arrived.

Actually that’s a lie. A stone cold lie. I listened to Lana Del Rey, but I didn’t love it. I wasn’t feeling it. Her latest release Honeymoon has got my heart in a twist and my head in a spin. Why? It’s melancholy, trippy sounds are not only the perfect working music, but have hit me right in the feels. I’m particularly enamoured with the track God Knows I Tried. And it’s a pretty nice summation of how I feel when I open this blog. I’ve tried. Yup. God knows I’ve tried.

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I don’t think blogging is dead. But I think the love has to be reborn again.

I miss telling stories. I miss being easily able to write every single day on here about something that excited me and brought me joy, enough to share with you. Or I had ideas, opinions, thoughts and something to say. It’s not that I don’t have something to say anymore, I have a lot to say, i’m just figuring out how I can say it to fit in this new industry. I’m still not sure, and that’s why we’re quiet over here. However, I am still so in love with my new blog design that that itself brings me joy when I open it up, but within that I think I feel a bit scared to hit publish.

I think when you step away from anything for a while, when you try and go back to it you have The Fear. If you’re not familiar with ‘The Fear’ it’s that moment on a Sunday night when you remember you have work tomorrow. It’s that moment you swallow a lump in your throat walking into a meeting or interview you’re nervous about. It’s the inevitable sinking feeling you have to do something you don’t feel comfortable doing.

So why the hell is something owned by me, run by me and solely operated by me giving me The Fear?

I got this little blogging book in the mail before Christmas, and I had plans to fill it with ideas.

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I’ve got ideas. A lot of ideas. So many ideas it actually keeps me awake at night. But why do I feel like I can’t do them? I feel like there are more eyes than before, more judging than before and more pressure on my shoulders than before. And as anyone knows as soon as you feel pressure, you get scared to do what you have to do. When that ball about whether you do it or not is in your court, you don’t do it. Then the longer you go not doing the thing, the more scared you get and the vicious circle goes on.

But lets talk about happy stuff.

It really really isn’t all doom and gloom over here. I’m absolutely taking to YouTube like a duck to water, and if you’ve read this blog for a few years, you’ll know about 18 months ago, I was feeling this way about YouTube. And look how the tables have turned.

We’ve got a car with a roof that comes down, and we’ve been waiting for what feels like forever since we got it moving out of the centre of the city a bit to drive it with the roof down. Yesterday, we did just that. George took it out down the roads as the slight warmth of the sun grazed the very touch of our skin but yet we felt alive. When you’re a kid you’re conditioned to think that England is ‘miserable.’ This becomes part of your every day conversation quite quickly. ‘Ugh this weather, it’s miserable.’ We all live in wait for our next holiday, escapism away from this ‘miserable’ country. Now, to a degree as i’ve got older, I believe it. I think the Winter feels miserable because the nights are long, the days are short, it’s freezing and everything feels like a slog. In a weird way though, when that first kiss of Spring breaks through the clouds, it’s a revelry we all enjoy, because we’ve waited what feels like forever to feel it. The sun comes out and our country lights up. I saw people having barbeques. T shirts on in pub gardens. Cyclists in shorts. Little kids playing in the park. It wasn’t even warm, but to us, I don’t think it’s even about feeling warm, it’s about the emotional mindset that comes with a little bit of light.

I’ve been waiting for the light in the sense of my writing and I think I can see it again.

When you’re a perfectionist, writing isn’t easy. I really am a perfectionist, by the way. I’m not even just saying that. For example I am still undecided on a vlogging camera because I want to cross examine every portable camera on the market to ensure I get the very best for my money. This has taken six months now. In my eyes, I have to do things to their highest quality, or I’m so, so angry at myself. Thats why sometimes I think it takes me a while to get back into things, because I want to work on something myself that I feel confident in, and I also believe in as much self-made content as possible. Sure I have worked with photographers and friends and I will continue to do so, but I worked with them on the conditions that I cherrypicked them as I loved their style, their art, their work. I didn’t just pay someone to do it so it was easier/looked better. That’s why I spent months learning every finite detail of Final Cut Pro so I could edit how I wanted to.

You could call me a control freak, but I think i’m just driven by desire to create, want to paint whether that paint falls visually or binary.

I haven’t lost my desire to create, but I have been influenced by surroundings.

When all your friends are struggling to create and feeling sad/disillusioned by blogging, it knocks off onto you too. I’m quite bad at being an emotional sponge in the sense that I’m a big product of what happens around me. If there is love, I soak it all up and then some. If there is sadness, I soak that up, too.

Sometimes I find it near on impossible to explain what goes on inside my head. I think i’m quite a complex person. I often wish I wasn’t, and that I could switch off, or not read into TV, films or simply photographs to the point where it’s not even about the object anymore it’s about how I feel. See, I even managed to do it then with that simple sentence. This is why I write this blog.

I tried to blog every day. I tried to make a schedule. God knows I tried. But I can’t do it. With Youtube, I can do it. I’ve got my schedule, I work to it and I’m beyond grateful for the rewards i’m reaping from it right now. But over here, I won’t try anymore. I’m not going to try. I’m not going to pressure myself any more, i’m not going to write a schedule and i’m not going to try and blog every single day.

From now on, we tell stories over here. Even if they’re basic stories, about salons I visited or products I wore. To me everything is a mini episode in my life and I love sharing that with you. So. For you, but more importantly for me, i’m going to not try anymore. Because I think life is better creatively when you alleviate stress from your shoulders and let the emotion pour out of you naturally and real.

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As for my book? Well, its still empty. But no longer do the pages look cream, dull and uninspired to me. They’re bouncing off at me with colour, with soul. I think just sometimes I have to remind myself that only I can see it, only I hold the pen to bring them back to life.

It’s time we took control of our blogging community back into our own hands. Who’s with me?