lifestyle, Uncategorized

And Where Have You Been?

February 7, 2016

 

blogpostfinish1Seriously though, what’s up with the lack of blogs?

Okay, so I definitely messed up after my amazing relaunch. A lot went through my head. Today i’m gonna talk about it though, and let you in on why things were looking ship shape, and then went a bit silent around here.

First up, I got knocked out by this nasty flu/virus/bug that’s going around, and so the scene shot today is that of where i’ve been for the last 9 days – yup – and that is firmly in my bed. I managed to have a few tiny adventures with George, he got me out to Sainsburys one day for about 45 minutes before I felt like I was going to pass out, we managed to eat some food around the corner at his parents house, and we even had a little trip to The Range to get some fresh air. Other than that, until today, that bed right there is where i’ve been. Not fun. If you’re under the weather with this stuff, I really feel for you. Being at home has had me thinking about a lot of stuff, as well as pottering about putting up a few new house bits and bobs here and there – so that’s what these (albeit boring) photos depict.

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So why did I not feel like blogging?

You know blogging is tough these days. Not the actual blogging part, this bit, the typing and the pictures and that, that’s pretty easy to be honest. What I mean is the blogging industry. It’s tough. It’s changed, a lot. Now where there once was a bunch of us teens sharing primark hauls and wobbly holiday snaps, there’s now pro, business bloggers, setting up a blog with the sole intention of making money. They’re a bit more ruthless than I. They arrange meetings with brands to snapchat about and they push for large amounts of money and their blogs are all very professional and that. It hits you a bit, when you’ve just been kind of hobbying about for a few years before being lucky enough to turn it into a job, that suddenly the industry has changed around you. I find that hard to deal with sometimes and I find my lack of self confidence holding me back. I want to be a great business woman, but the truth is i’m not confident in myself to be ruthless enough, and well, even though I know a bunch of you read here, and a few of you follow me on instagram, and some of you even follow my YouTube, to me I still feel worthless. That might be hard to understand but I think when you’re not in it for fame and fortune, when people tell you you’re ‘worth something’, you struggle to believe it. I’ve struggled to believe in myself for years, i’ve mentioned this in various capacities  – whether it be my style, my looks, my body, my blog or my speaking voice. Just me, in general. I’m very self conscious and i’m very paranoid.

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Fighting against that all the time is draining, and I dislike doing it.

Call me old fashioned but i’m not an ’emailer.’ I don’t like to source out PR’s, or hunt around to find out who does what and email them asking to work together. I’ve never really worked like that. Maybe because I didn’t set my blog up for business, I always just kinda wait for whatever comes into my inbox via my managements or just straight to me. In a way i’ve always liked it like that, i’m in control and it’s nice to feel wanted – rather than constantly having to ask. I hate having to ask. I don’t even like asking my family or George for a favour. I’d rather just do me and that be that. But the new wave of blogging is all about who you know, what you can show off and how well you can sell it. Really, i’m not very good at any of those things. I’m not an instagram model, i’m no Kylie Jenner, i’m definitely not good at selling things – all the sales interviews I ever went for in my life I was coincidentally never called back for after the interview – and i’m a bit too honest to do well at any of those. So this always leaves me in a bit of a sadness black hole, where I feel worthless compared to the new gen, and I feel creatively stifled if I don’t blog. But then i’m worrying about blogging. And you know as well as me that as soon as you worry about something, it becomes almost immediately less enjoyable. You start to dread it.

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I spent money on, worked for weeks on with Tom and enjoyed reinventing my blog space because I wanted to creatively work on something. We did it, poured our hearts into it, and then I was left back in the driving seat to come up with content. You feel a lot of pressure with that. I want to talk about products I like, but I don’t want to be a sales machine, with a blog and photographs that look the same as everyone else. I want to write from my heart, and I feel proud and happy to do so. I always just feel like I have to fight that back because I don’t know how well that sells. And will that make me money? If I don’t make money, then what? I have to go back to my 9-5. That almost feels like a step backward, for now, anyway. After investing all this money and working, striving to achieve this. I don’t think it’s coming to that as it seems my YouTube is picking up enough to help me out, and oddly on YouTube where I felt self conscious and an odd ball for years, I now feel the most like me. I feel the most free. And it is infact, my baby, my blog, that has made me paranoid again.

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But lets get honest now. The reason why I can write all this? I’ve learned.

I think you can only be honest with yourself when you have realised what it is that you need to be honest about. And the reason why I can write this blog today is because I realised all my little worries, my little hang ups, my paranoid brain playing mind games with me was all a bit pointless. A bit silly. So what if i’m losing out to that new gen of bloggers? I’ve got enough product to last me a lifetime, and I feel it is often at more of a loss to the brand than to me. And so what if I don’t want to feel like I have to sell something, I don’t have to. It’s my blog and I have creative control of that. It took me a while to remember, but I remembered. And I remembered good. I’m not complaining. I don’t think any of being a blogger or a YouTuber is hard work if you know how. Plus, I love it. I just feel more like a failure within myself at the non-adaptation of evolution. And that frustrates me. But when I remember I don’t always have to do it that way, I feel a million times better. I guess I tell you it like this because everyone wants to be a full time blogger now. But it isn’t as glossy as it looks. It’s fun, and I wouldn’t change it, but there are times when you feel low, or hit a tough spot, like I did last week. I think it’s better to be honest about that than to gloss it over.

I love to write. To tell stories. To provoke conversation. If I can do just a little bit of that, i’m doing okay. I feel happier now, than I did a week ago. I’m glad, because i’ll probably never have such an amazing opportunity in my life to be in control of my future as this, and sometimes I need to tell myself that. We all have those bad days at work, combined with a bit of flu mine got to me harder than it should have. But every set back is not the end of the journey, it merely adds a few minutes onto reaching the end goal. We just hit a bit of engineering works, a bit of traffic. We got annoyed, we beeped our horns, and lo and behold, the traffic cleared. I hope I can get past being such a paranoid android one day, but for now it’ll still wreck havoc with me every now and then. This time around though, I kicked it’s face in. Eventually. And that’s really all that matters, right?

If you wanna see what i’ve been up to you can check out today’s video on my YouTube channel here.